Let me start off by saying that my title is a little dramatic. I acknowledge that addictions are far from fun, or things to be made light of… so maybe I should simply have said, I think I might get stuck in self-reflection mode a little too much in my life… but to me it feels more than that. So let’s leave it as is, and I trust that you’ll hear my words in the spirit of which they are always used, as soft, illusive, ghost-like ideas and subtle suggestions, as opposed to hard truths with fixed outlines.
I think I might be a little addicted to self-awareness… and self-reflection… and I think it might be a growing problem. Maybe my reflective seeds that I share in spaces like these, aren’t infact as nourishing as I intend them to be, and might be over-growing in your mind garden too? A little like weeds, that are hard to root out.
You see I bloody love reflecting. Making sense of my mind, my world… I find it truly valuable to help me learn to accept and understand myself better, having grown up masking and hiding from the world that I found all far too overwhelming. So I turned to therapy, and coaching, and researching and learning… about my neuro-diversity, and my nervous system, and why I find safety in connecting with others who think and feel the same ways that I do.
But I notice that it’s a ‘hit’ of acceptance that I get within these light-bulbs… a surge in the ‘me too’ moments of connection that help me make sense of life. Which, by the way, I do feel to be incredibly valuable and affirming, and important, and life giving. I am by no means belittling or discounting the strength and stability that has grown in me from these insights, and sparkling, illuminating connections that grow in these spaces.
Yet the more I sit with these reflections, the more I see them as also having another side to them. That maybe this reflection is another form of distraction… one that possibly feeds my ego, and my need to feel safe, dressed up in a currency that’s particularly palatable at the moment. I also find that there is another side to this work that we do in these spaces, that we will always find another way to look at things. There is always a new flavour of therapy and healing work to be done. And if you think it, you know that there will be a course, therapist, workshop and teacher out there who can help you to unravel it…
And that maybe, alongside all this reflection and therapy and healing work that I find we’re all drinking up like kool-aid these days, I have to keep reminding myself simply to LIVE. Not in order to reflect, and learn, and grow, and share… but just to practice being in the moment without any distractions or intentions. Without doing it because I know that my nervous system needs a formula in order to feel safe… without the lessons, or the teachers, or the map. Without the judgement and the goals. Without the feelings or the thoughts to discuss or to analyse… without even the words.
Having spent a lifetime stuck in what I feel like is ‘learning and improvement’ mode, I’m starting to see that there is a space between the roots and branches, that maybe doesn’t feel the need to heal, and grow in a way that makes sense to others.
That doesn’t mean that I think I will just shut-up and try to switch the lights off in my mind (even though I admit the very idea of that sounds hell-of-a tempting, so if you know THAT formula, please do still share ;)… I think I just need to notice, to acknowledge, that I maybe find the idea of self-reflection and analysis to be a safer space than actually living on the outside. Which makes sense to me, as I have such a sensitive nervous system, that turning inwards and hiding in the rabbit holes of my mind, is where I feel most at home.
So instead of signing up for yet more talking therapy, physical therapy and speech therapy that my doctor advised me to do this week… I’ve bought myself a pair of Kashaka’s instead. I don’t think I want a ‘teacher’ to help me learn to speak without a stammer, or to walk without a limp when my nerves kick in… instead I want a human who will help me practice the art of playing without thinking… of listening without words… of speaking in a new language of music and rhythm that I’ve never even tried.
Sound Seeds….you're welcome ;)
Having said all that, I do still feel that the sparkles I get from connecting with others, in quiet spaces like this, and sharing all the different parts of ourselves, to still be incredibly valuable and precious… maybe we’ll have to start up a self-awareness anonymous or something, where we can creatively untangle ourselves from a life-times worth of over-analysis, ahahahaha… care to join me there?
Giant love x
Have you read Feline Philosophy, Betsy? I found it really helped me with this sort of thing— I feel like there’s a difference between rumination and understanding, but I don’t think I always notice when I fall into the first of these
The upside of self awareness is it teaches you to feel everything. The downside of self awareness is that it teaches you to feel everything. Love your description of playing without thinking. That sounds freeing 🥰